to the screamer.

im sorry things became the way they are now.
i can honestly say that i never expected this.
i pictured us becoming such good friends and staying that way for a long time.
but i guess things dont always go as planned.

it was hard for me to pull away.
im not sure why...there was just a part of me that didnt want you gone.
but now i realize that its all for the better.
i just wish things could be different.

this is a weird season for me. an unexpected one as well.
at the same time i know it is much needed.
its a time of humility. of reflection. of growth.
i cant lose focus this time. i cant.

i hope all is well with you.
know that im praying for you & your future.

maybe we will cross paths again some day.
until then,

xoxo...drew

thought::i jumped in too quickly.
dream::life had a rewind.
hope::focus...focus...focus
inspiration::the test.

in pursuit.

God my Father,

the first two months of this year have been rough. dangerously rough.
but i guess sometimes you have to be completely broken in order to become stronger.

so here i am. broken.
knowing that You are my only source for strength.
knowing that You are the only hope i have.

im beginning to separate myself from a lot of people.
see...i dont want to be the same girl i was last year.
this desire inside of me for You is only getting stronger.
i so desperately want to grow stronger and closer to You.
and i refuse to let anyone or anything distract me.
i have this hunger inside of me like ive never had before.
theres this hunger to go after You with all that i have.

ive been scared to let go in the past. but thats over and done with.
i dont want it to be about me. i want it to be all You.
im done with everything this world has to offer.
im done with all the negativity and lies.
nothing in this world matters to me, only that i would bring You glory.

i give You every part of me. my mind, my body, my heart.
show me what to do next. show me where to go.

xoxo...Your Daughter

thought::i cant make it through on my own.
dream::to live a life completely guided by Christ.
hope::to be covered by His grace and love.
inspiration::my brokenness, and His forgiveness

marked.

dear "roy"
you put me through a lot.
you caused me a lot of pain.
you did what no guy should ever do.
i have kept so much about you a secret. in all reality only one person knows the truth. simply because i was scared of what people would say, think, and do.
i found myself so embarrassed when i just thought about you and what happened.
but i can finally say, with a smile on my face,
i forgive you.
and hope the best for you.
it feels so good to say that.

xoxo...june


thought::forgiveness is so hard.
dream::what you said and did, will not define me.
hope::great life for you. great future for me.
inspiration::summer. and what ive held on to.

please dont stop the music.

dear music man.
it feels as if ive known you my whole life,
even though it has only been a couple of years.
and now youre moving into a new season...a new place.
i knew this would happen one day. but i failed to prepare myself.

not everyone gets it. some people dont understand why i take this so hard.
but its because they dont know everything youve done in my life.
i can honestly say that no person has ever impacted my life like you have.
you may think thats impossible but its the truth.

.you gave me opportunities no one else would give me.
.you stretched me, helped me grow up.
.you pushed me to grow spiritually.
.you listened to my every opinion, every problem, every concern.
.you believed in me and encouraged me.
.you supported every dream, goal, idea. you never laughed or said i was crazy.
.you were a leader, a mentor, but also my friend.

i wouldnt be where i am now in life if it wasnt for you.
because of you im a completely different person than i was 2 years ago.
i cannot thank God enough for allowing you and i to cross paths.

thank you. for everything.
you probably dont even realize how important of a role you played in my life.
i know this will not be goodbye.
it cannot be goodbye. only a "see you soon"

xoxo...the backup.

thought::i cant believe youre gone so fast.
dream::you will always be in my life.
hope::a great life for you.
inspiration::my friend. who's moving on.

mr big shot

we have been friends for almost four years.
which is quite some time.
weve been through a lot together i feel like.
and thats why i consider you to be such a good friend.

to me, this was a friendship to treasure.
i always had your back. always did whatever you asked or needed.
you were someone i never wanted to lose.
i couldnt imagine a life without a friend like you in it.

but i obviously was mistaken somewhere...
im sorry that im such a bother to you.
youve obviously taken some things the wrong way.
i'll step back i guess. let you live. let you breathe.

i mean its whatever really.
see you around.
xoxo...bucky.

thought::not sure what to think about this.
dream::peace.
hope::real friends that are worth my time.
inspiration::ohh if they only knew

s.o.s.

i have found myself in a place thats not so familiar to me.
i have always known what i want to do, but ive never been so unsure as i am now.
i have always tried to stay so strong, but im approaching weakness.

God
i dont know what Youre doing
but whatever it is, do it.
have Your way in me.
im longing for the answers.
that peace that passes all understanding.
do what You will.
xoxo...Your servant

thoughts::i hate feeling so weak.
dream::to know the answers.
hope::strength&growth.
inspiration::wonder of His plan.

to newbie.

ohhgirll.
i just cant make up my mind on you.
i long for that friendship, but im not sure if you are the girl i thought you were.
trusting people has always been difficult for me.
and i cant decide if youre one to be trusted. i cant afford to be misguided by another "friend" again.
some moments, i feel as if we just click. like we have been best friends forever.
other times, i wonder if you even care. if you are just putting on a series of acts.

i have yet to make up my mind.
maybe only time can tell what will happen.
xoxo...the blonde.

thought::for once, i want to be wrong.
dream::trust. peace. joy.
hope::a good friend.
inspiration::a friendship waiting to grow.

remaking my list.

my heart has been broken, more than once.
ive been torn apart, on more than one occasion.
and its taken a while to get my heart to where it is now.

im done believing the lies poured into my head.
im done being this little worried insecure girl.
it is in Christ where i find my strength and my self image.
for He is the One who will never hurt me, who will never let me down.

i know what i want.
i know what i deserve.

dear mr whoever you are,
im trying to be patient.
but i just want to know who you are now.
i cant wait until i finally know.
until everything in my life finally all comes together.
i love you my dear.
xoxo...your girl.

thought:: i cannot settle.
dream:: perfection.
hope:: patience, so i do not mess up again.
inspiration:: the present, my future.

dont let the bedbugs bite.

so many dreams, more like nightmares.
every night when i lay down i close my eyes in the hope that they will go away.
but they have yet to leave. every night, in my dream, im in a different place at a different time of day around different people...well for the most part.
theres one person who's always there.
the dream may start nicely, but then it gets worse and worse.
continuing to go downhill until i wake up in fear, tears, or embarrassment.
all of these nightmares run through my head as i try to figure out why theyre there in the first place. i need them to go away. they have to go away.

to my nightmares,
go away. let me be.
i cant have you sticking around.
my mind is meant to be filled with peace,
not your crazyness. so leave.
xoxo...the dreamer.

thought::i need sleep. good sleep.
dream::end to the nightmares.
hope::peace and rest.
inspiration::my mind and the stories in it.

stripped.

i dont know whats happening.
i feel as if so much is being taken away, but i cant do anything about it.
the state of being drained. state of brokenness. yet, a state of humility.
i dont have it all together. i cant do everything on my own.
but i dont know where to go from here. what to do, where to turn.

oh God
Your plan is better than mine, i know that.
i may not get it, i mightnot like it at times,
but please. do Your will with my life.
i dont understand whats going on,
but my trust is in You.
xoxo...Your Vessel

thought::so tired. so drained. so confused.
dream::my life the way it should be.
hope::peace. patience. understanding.
inspiration::my life. and what is being stripped away.

yes. no. maybe?

dear boii
you threw me for a loop, thats for sure.
and now im left in an interesting position.
im not sure what i think or how i feel about this.
but i guess theres a lot im unsure of lately.
i guess only time will tell, right?
xoxo...heath

thought::youre so confusing.
dream::my perfect life.
hope::the right thing will happen.
inspiration::complexity

bring it.

this has to be the largest mountain ive ever had to face.
&&it is an ohso difficult climb.
the things that mean the most to me are being stripped away.
im being broken down, only to be at a point of complete humility before Christ.
my hope is in Him. my breakthrough is on the way.
i will put my trust in Christ, for i am nothing without Him.

to the boy and to the girl,
i am not someone you can use.
i refuse to play your games.
what you think doesnt matter.
you do not define me.
xoxo...me

thought::2010 is my year
dream::never ending hope
hope::the best is yet to come
inspiration::the things i used to love.

freedom is so sweet.

i can be so stupid, so immature sometimes.
as some people know, ive been in a struggle for a long while.
i have written so many letters titled "to him". but why were there so many?
why can i not let go? how do i keep finding myself pulled back into this trap?
he has damaged my confidence. he has torn apart my self esteem. he has caused me more hurt and pain than any other person ever has. so WHY would i still feel attached? WHY would i not be completely 100% over this?
the past month i have been trying to figure out why. why has it not passed? why has it not gone away? why have i not yet overcome this trial?
the answer is so obvious, so simple.

Psalm 55:22:
"cast your cares on the Lord
and He will sustain you;
He will never let the righteous fall"
1 Peter 5:6-7:
"humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand,
that He may lift you up in due time.
cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you"

I have been so hurt, so troubled for far too long.
and the worst part is that its ALL MY FAULT.
how can i have been so stupid?
I have been holding on to this for so long, when all ive had to do was give it over to Him. He can take it away. He will take care of me.
I have been so stubborn, thinking i could overcome this whole thing myself...and i cant. the reason that i havent fully recovered? because i havent handed it all over to Him.

its time to let go. its time to give God my everything.
i am still growing, still learning. i am stripping away what used to be me. for i am nothing, can do nothing, without Him.
the struggle is over. i am free.
and it feels so good.

my Father,
thank You.
xoxo...Your daughter.

thought::ive been waiting for this peace.
dream::come true.
hope::my hope is in Him.
inspiration::the past yr & a half of my life.

rockstar.

sometimes
i want to smack you in the face
and yell HELLO! OPEN YOUR EYES! IM RIGHT HERE!
however, i doubt that will change anything.
maybe one day you will understand; my fear is that you wont.
xoxo...pink&black

thought::do you know? or are you really that oblivious
dream::my fairtytale.
hope::that there is hope.
inspiration::oh if you only knew.

two thousands.

-2009 was a rough year. for me at least-
i started the year off completely broken, in hopes that i would grow and learn more about myself. i have grown and i have learned so much, but have encountered so many bumps along the way.
this year i have lost friends, dealt with more medical problems, struggled with decisions, had my heart played with, been broken down and torn apart
i am thankful 2009 is coming to an end, and am excited for the awesome things 2010 is going to bring. all the hurts, struggles, pains are all being put behind me--no looking back.
even though 2009 was not my best of years, it did bring two new amazing people into my life. i am so thankful for these new friendships. they were much needed--God knows what i need in my life.

dear dairyman,
i still remember the first time we ever talked.
before then i thought there was no way we would ever be friends.
its absolutely crazy how wrong i was.
you have helped me so much in the short 7 months we have known each other.
you have encouraged me to grow and to stand firm in my beliefs.
you have been there to listen and to advise.
i wouldnt have survived my first semester of college without you.
so thank you for everything. im looking forward to 2010.
xoxo...the singer.

dear barbie,
in the beginning, neither of us were sure if a friendship was possible.
but now we have become such good friends, and i am so thankful for that.
but i can be myself around you. no matter what my mood, youre still there.
i dont have much longer with you. youll be moving away in 6 months.
i dont want that day to come, but i am 100% confident we will still be friends.
love you boo.
xoxo...heyhey.

thought::thank god 2009 is over.
dream::a perfect 2010.
hope::i can drop the past.
inspiration::2009. &the expectations for 2010.

to him #11::the end.

this is what it has come to.
you dont wanna talk about it. or really even to me for that matter.
so okay. im fine with that. i mean talking is overrated anyways...right?
i hope youre happy.
i hope youll be real.
i hope youll grow up.
this wont be easy in any way. but not many things in life are.
i'll still see you around. which wont be very enjoyable.
especially since i havent been one to hide my mood/feeling very well.
looks like i got some work to do. since it looks like youll be around for a while.

so here is the wrap up of every letter ive ever written to you.
heres to our new life. although im not sure how to categorize us.

i hate goodbyes.
so i guess i will see you later.
-me

thought::my mind is blank.
dream::peace.
hope::youre happy. &i will be.
inspiration::if you only knew.

brainwashed. #10

dear sir.
you frustrate me.
i cannot stand you.
i wish you would disappear.

the only problem is, im not sure who im trying to convince...
you, everyone else, or myself.

thought::cant be fully put into words.
dream::peace. stillness. perfection.
hope::the best.
inspiration::ohhhlife.

rubbernecker. [him #9]

youd think that i would eventually get the hint. but obviously my mind just isnt catching on.
i know that we tried to make things better. and then you changed your mind...again.
i need to just stay away from you. but i cant. i still want things to be the way they were. people say im crazy for that....and if thats what i am then ohwell.
...i dont know why im so addicted to you...
some people joke with me saying how someday we’re going to end up being together for forever. i wish i could believe that, because thats something that i would love. but its obvious that youd rather be without us. almost as if everything we went through was a lie.
i find myself having a great time with you. talking, laughing. but i eventually come back to reality...back to the state of realizing that what i want doesnt matter. because you dont want the same thing.
youve become one of the reasons that i want to get away. maybe then i could forget about the past....but im not sure i want to.
xoxo...pooks.

p.s. someone showed me your screensaver...shes cute.

thought::getting over this is more difficult than i thought itd be.
dream::doesnt matter. because it wont come true.
hope::this will fade away.
inspiration::the one i wanted.

falling into autumn.

dear october,
i welcome you more than any other month.
there are so many exciting things about you.
cool weather, new jackets&hoodies,
hayrides, bonfires, pumpkin patches, corn mazes,
ferry trips, costume shopping, jumping in leaf piles,
eating candy corn, my half birthday
i am so excited that you are finally here.
hopefully you do me a lot of good this year.
fingers crossed? most defnintely.
xoxo...your biggest fan.

thought::im so glad october is here.
dream::will come true.
hope::this month will bring good things.
inspiration::greatest month of the year.

child of the mask.

you have so much going for you.
youre beautiful. you have so much potential.
(more than you probably think you have, but anyways)
you need to stop being two-faced. please.
its getting old. and rather frustrating.
so please, grow up and get yourself together.
xoxo...green.

thought::it doesnt make sense.
dream::youll put the masks away.
hope::you will reach your full potential.
inspiration::experiences. observations.

ειρήνη

Blessed be the one who comes in the name of the Lord.
::and my heart cries out Hosanna::

my Father, my God,
dont let what they say, what they do, get to me.
i will not allow them to define me.
i dont need them. as long as i have You.
i long for Your peace that goes beyond all understanding.
xoxo...Your daughter.

thought::what happened? where did everyone go?
dream::peace.
hope::it's not me.
inspiration::people. life itself.

alien.

here i am entering a new stage of my life.
scary? yeah, i guess a little.
different? yes, most definitely.
im not used to this place, these people, this life.
its so close. home is not far away. yet it feels like it is.
ive been removed from my "zone", my "world". only to be thrown into a new one.

i now see why i have been challenged throughout the past few months.
i realize why i went through what i did. so many things were being thrown left and right, and i was the target.
but i somehow made it through. it may have taken a while and i may have had to try a few times, but thats how things work sometimes. learn. grow.

so heres to a new experience. a new world.

to the new:
im ready to face this.
im ready for the ride.
lets make this great.
xoxo...alien.

thought::this is crazy different.
dream::success will find me, i will find success.
hope::this will grow on me quickly.
inspiration::college.

oh to walk on the beach.

in the midst of the chaos happening around me,
i try to keep my mind elsewhere. place myself in the perfect scene.
a place of peace. beauty. simplicity.
every worry, every problem, annoyance gone.
ive always been the "sunset walks on the beach" type of girl. and right now, thats where i wish i was. where i want to be.

dear drama, im not putting up with you.
dear chaos, im done with you.
dear life, calm down. just chill.
dear self, stand strong.
xoxo...me.

thought::i didnt see any of this coming.
dream::this will pass quickly.
hope::i'll wake up soon.
inspiration::life at the moment.

to him, the finale?

being honest?
im not sure i want this. at least not right now. im pretty sure that even you dont know what you want anymore. dont think that im going to sit here and wait for forever. because thats not happening.
im starting to see what i could have. what i deserve. and sitting around waiting for you to make up your mind isnt it.
so stop going back and forth. because im done with it. we can be friends, sure. id love that. but im not gonna jump into this "competition" for you and your attention. and you shouldnt expect me to. because thats ridiculous.
xoxo...me.

thought::why have i held onto this for this long?
dream::everything will work out how its supposed to.
hope::you really are changing...for yourself.
inspiration::him.

letter to myself.

dear self,
it is time for you to let go.
you know you need to. youve been holding onto this for so long. holding everything in. not revealing it to those around you. this isnt helping you. it is only making things more difficult.
i know you want this. i know you wish it could happen. i know you have dreamed of this. but you cannot allow it to happen. you are dragging yourself into a situation you should be avoiding altogether. yes, its hard. yes its not what you had hoped for. in the back of your head you know you deserve better. you know you need to step away yet...you dont. you hold on. its time to let it go. move on. let the past be the past and prepare yourself for something better to come along.
i know you have been the type to fall into the traps of others. it seems that you have been the target for others to throw darts at. their words. their stares. they hurt. but do not allow them to tear you down. do not allow them to define you. youre too good for that.
last off, dont doubt yourself. be confident. walk with your head held high. you can do this. it might be a bumpy ride, but you'll reach your destination. the plan for your life will soon unfold.
xoxo...me.

thought::why is it so hard to just let go?
dream::what i have dreamed in the past...wont come true...
hope::it will all pass. i will stand strong.
inspiration::life. acquaintances.

why did the chicken cross the road?

today i went to the one and only KFC for lunch. before going, i was talking to this gentleman. he mentioned the new grilled chicken. i tried it, and now i shall keep my promise to him and blog about it.

the case::KFC vs KGC
the judge::ME.
the outcome::personally, i enjoy the fried chicken over the grilled. although, i have met some people who are the other way around. there is just something about the deliciousness of an original crispy chicken leg that brings you such satisfaction. i will say that the grilled chicken is not bad, but in my heart KFC will always beat KGC.
so sir,
i hope this answers your curiousity.
you'll have to try it for yourself.
do i feel a kfc outing coming soon?
xoxo...me.

thought::i love chicken.
dream::there will always be a kfc nearby.
hope::kfc wont get too crazy.
inspiration::todays lunch. and jacob.

three in one.

dear number one.
you put my hopes up. once again, disappointment follows. part of me knew that you would probably do this. but i went for it anyways. you said you would make changes. but, have i seen any yet? no. not a single one. you wont even go out of your way to talk to me. to be by me. it always seems like thats my job. but not anymore. i said to prove to me that you were serious...and im starting to think that this was a joke all along. just messing with my head. just a game to you.
after all, who am i to say you love me?
xoxo...pookie.

dear number two.
you make me laugh so hard. if im having a bad day, i know you can turn it around.
thank you for listening to me. thank you for being a friend to me. im thankful that i have you there.
xoxo...heada.

dear number three.
youre new to me. ive never met a person quite like you. always respectful. always so kind, no matter who the person is. always positive. you always seem to have such confidence. so much assurance in life. i desire to be like you in those ways. you make me want to grow. want to learn.
you are a person that i want to become good friend with, continue getting to know you more, even though there is one thing...one person that seems to hold me back occasionally, but what that is, i am choosing not to say.
xoxo...the singer.

to him #7.

honestly? you are really confusing me.
im not sure what you want...im not even sure if you know what you want.
i wish you would just come up to me and tell me flat out what you want, what youre thinking, what your plan is.
i thought i knew everything in the beginning, but now im slightly lost. dont play with me. dont mess with my head. i already told you that im done putting up with disappointment and dealing with crap.
i just want you to be honest with me...so i can be honest with myself.
can you please just come to me and be real?
xoxo...me.

thought::what is going through your head?
dream::you will open up to me.
hope::you're being serious with me.
inspiration::the past 2 wks.

mystery texter.

you make me laugh. honestly, you do.
i must admit that I was not having the greatest of days, but after reading your message i could not help but burst out in laughter. one because of your "creeperness" and second because nothing like that even went through my mind&i thought i was going crazy.
Just wait until you hear about my INSANE night last night, then you will understand why the laugh came so easily and was well-needed. it is one interesting story, im not gonna lie. [[if you ever need an interesting story, ask me. i am full of them]]

so anyways sir,
congratulations on pulling off this silly little prank.
you get a 10 on creeperness.
and I would say a 9 on sneakiness [[just b/c you told me today]]

xoxo...me.
-p.s. LIONS!-

thought::the cards game last night was pathetic. at least they won tonight.
dream::to meet fredbird [[you think im kidding]]
hope::the cardinals will dominate.
inspiration::this guy. who made me think he was at the game. think being the key word.

snow white.

mirror, mirror on the wall:
have I got it?

why do I tend to care what others think, what they say?
I don't need this world to tell me who I should be, what I should do.
My standards are not that of this world.
I was created by the King. I am not owned by them.
I am me. I am beautiful. I am His daughter.
It doesn't matter what they say. Only what He says.


thought::why does what they think affect me?
dream::i will not let them take me down.
hope::i will always remember that I am His princess.
inspiration::life. people.

ex-me.

tonight my past was brought up.
my past mistakes. hurts. pains.
this of course led to a quite lengthy, and quite difficult, conversation. a conversation that i wasnt necessarily excited about having. telling people about past mistakes and hurts may be a way of venting, but it brings back all of those hurts and emotions.
in a way, having it brought up was a good thing. i began to think about it and realized how far ive come. how much ive grown. im not the same person i was.

at the same time however, another thought came to mind.
i do not want this to be the way people see me. i dont go around telling everyone about my past because i dont want them to look at me and think that.
i cannot help but wonder, is that how people see me?
when someone looks at me, do they see me now? or do they see my mess-ups. mistakes. stupidity. the girl i used to be. the things i used to do. the way i used to act. i have worked so hard to get where i am. to overcome my past. to be strong.

i look back at the things ive done and i see how my experiences and my mistakes have helped others that i know. it has helped me to relate, to advise, to sympathize. i know that i would not be where i am now without learning from all of them.
but i dont want others to judge me, name me, see me differently because of my past...especially a few certain people...

dear sir,
please dont look at what ive done and been through and look at me differently.
you do not know the whole story, just the "overview". but if you ever want to hear it, if you have questions, if you have curiousities, i will tell you.
because i want you to know that ive grown. that ive changed. im letting go.
xoxo...the grad.

thought::i may still need some work. but im getting there.
dream::my past could be erased.
hope::people wont focus on my mistakes.
inspiration::an unexpected conversation.

reality check.

Reality is beginning to hit me.
Here I am. 18 years old. 4 days of high school left. getting ready to go to college and really start my life. But I cannot help but wonder...amd I ready?
All my life I have had everything handed to me. Ive never had to do anything for myself. You may call me "spoiled", and I guess in a way I may be. I guess I should call myself one of the "lucky ones" who has a family that has always just taken care of what I wanted and needed. I have people tell me they wish they could have it like me...but really I dont think they do.
I have had everything done for me. and now that I'm getting older I am coming to that realization that I dont know how to do anything...I dont know much about finances or bills or a job or just life itself. Ive never been taught it. Ive never had to deal with it. Am I ready for this "real world" ahead of me?
Usually people are excited for their future. Im trying to be. but on the inside Im screaming due to the fear of it.
I feel as if my life has flown by. and now here I am. slightly feeling like a little kid at a store who gets lost from their parents. Everything is becoming so real to me. Reality is getting ready to hit me and hit me hard.
I'm not sure what to do.
All I can do is trust Him...

thought::it's coming too fast.
dream::everything will work out perfect.
hope::i'll be ready.
inspiration::life.

sleepy head.

you make me laugh sometimes. I find myself astounded at how much you do and how you do it. at the time it doesnt appear to bother you, but I know it does. Ive talked to you about it many times.
its almost as if its what you live for. you live for the work, the busy schedule, the stress, the behind the scenes. i can honestly say that you are the hardest worker i have ever met. you overwork yourself, this you already know. but the word "break" is not in your dictionary. all of your hard work pays off however. things go good-and thats thanks to you. not many people ever stop to tell you thanks for what you do...including me. so thank you.

you have become my best friend. i remember when i thought you would never talk to me again, never want to be around me, not want anything to do with me. you proved me wrong. it has become the exact opposite. we're best friends now. [[i slightly feel like a junior higher bragging about their "bff". but ohwell]]. i know that i can tell you anything, vice versa. i love that about us.
it makes me happy knowing that you are comfortable "venting" to me. letting things out. speaking your mind. im sorry if it feels like i tell you the same thing every time, but its what i honestly think.
i have seen you change so much in the past 8 months, but in a good way. im proud of you and the changes youve made, the things you have accomplished. you should be proud of yourself too.

xoxo...me.

thought::you need a break. it's almost here.
dream::you will continue to grow and have the life youve always wanted.
hope::you will stop being so hard on yourself sometimes.
inspiration::my best friend.

surprise?

I have a confession to make.


I might...no, I DO have the greatest friends in the world.
THE greatest. I love them more than anything.

seriously, be jealous.=]


thought::i love my friends.
dream::came true.
hope::they had as much fun as I did. haha
inspiration::18th birthday.

venice bliss.

Here I sit trying to understand why this bothers me so much. trying to figure out why these things are going through my mind, and why they wont leave.
I found myself placed in such a complicated mood last night. I wanted to be happy, have fun, enjoy myself. But I felt hurt, troubled, remembering occurences this time last year. I tried to keep my mind off of it, off of him, off of them. My eyes would keep wandering that way though. I felt as if everywhere I turned it was right in front of me.
I'm glad he's not affected by any of this. I'm glad he can just let it fall of his back. I'm glad he can pretend like nothing ever happened. I don't exactly work like that though. It's still a struggle for me....still. It has to go away soon. At least I'm hoping it does...
xoxo...what should be

thought::i miss him, but i dont want to.
dream::that this is only a nightmare.
hope::I will be able to get over all of this mess soon.
inspiration::prom night.

to him #6

I cant do this anymore.
I need to stop putting myself into positions like these.
I dont know what I'm doing to myself. why I'm doing this to myself.
Its only torture. having you on my mind. I dont want you there.
I want to not have this feeling of discomfort when I'm around you.
Maybe your school's prom is a bad idea. Maybe I shouldnt be going. I'm not sure yet how I'm going to respond or feel. I'm hoping I can cut loose and have fun. but I'm not sure of that yet.

Only a few more months...
xoxo...pooksters

pineapple pleasure.[to him#5]

today brought back a whirlwind of memories and emotions.
I felt so happy and comfortable, yet confused and awkward.
there's just something about you that holds on to me. I'm so sick of being caught under this "spell". I want to just let go and be free. I tell myself that I'm going to just move on but then you do something or say something that just pulls me right back in.
today while I was with you, a song came on. A song that I heard and became obsessed with a little over a year ago. When you & I decided that we were done listening to other people and were going to fight our way through. that we were going to work through anything and everything.
"what do you say to taking chances? what do you say to jumpin off the edge? never knowin if there's solid ground below or a hand to hold or hell to pay. what do you say" remember that song? I bet you do. I do too. I laughed to myself when that song came on as I remembered every single promise and challenge. and then look at us now. I never would have expected this.

I took a chance. Obviously it didnt turn out the way that I planned. Sometimes I feel as if my heart is still in it, still going for it. but it's only fooling itself. I need to just stop and let go. Why am I having such a hard time doing that?
xoxo...your secret.

to him #4.

I have sat here for quite a while staring at this screen. A tornado of thoughts is flying through my mind. I'm not sure how to word them. or order them. So I'm sorry if it seems like I am babbling on.
Tonight I realized something. I realized that I miss you. I believe I have written that before. but it's so different now. I can't even begin to explain it. I still see you. I still talk to you. but it's not the same. I miss what we had. I miss how things used to be.
I thought that I was all better. that I was no longer tied to you like this. but then tonight...oh tonight...I don't know what happened. I cracked. I broke down.
I find it slightly funny that I was planning on talking to you tonight. I was planning on asking you a question, a question that I told myself I would never ask you. Yet there I was, ready. In my mind I thought I was crazy, but at the same time I wanted to talk to you so badly about it. It was almost as if I had forgotten all the hurt and pain I've gone through. Then I was brought back to reality...everything came back to my memory. and because of it, I chickened out. I crumbled. I backed out of something that I was so determined to do today. For that, I am slightly disappointed at myself. but then again, maybe it was a good thing. maybe this is one risk that I shouldn't take.
My mind is full of confusion. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. I feel as if I let things like this affect me so much but I haven't found a way for it not to.

You know me. You know how I am and what gets to me.
...maybe that's the problem...
xoxo...lovely

to him. #3.

I know that I have written to you more than anyone else. But that is only because you have been on my mind a lot more. My mind is full of confusion about you. Curiosity about you. Wonders about you.
I have told you what I think. I have told you how I feel. I have let everything out. There's nothing more to say. I feel so confused about you though. You have said some things...but I never fully understand them.
I always laugh inside when you suddenly change the topic of a text. It makes me feel like you're hiding something. Or just simply uncomfortable. Whatever it is, I wish you would just come out and say it. We have both agreed that we cannot deny what has happened in our past together. But I don't want that to affect our present. and future.
You make these comments. Little sayings or phrases that bring up old times once more. So I sit in remembrance of them. But I never know how to respond. I don't know whether to respond in sarcasm, humor, hatred, mercy, gladness. Partly because I'm not sure how I feel. Then partly because I don't know what kind of response you're looking for...
I've heard stories. not good ones. ones that I wish were lies, yet I am not finding it particularly hard to believe. Sometimes I wish people would just stop bringing stories about you up. However, despite my wishes, people still do. Occasionally it will be a story that makes me laugh. smile. remember. Most of them do not fit in that category however. There's always those stories that make me sad. mad. confused. hurt. Yet...I do not know why. They shouldn't make me feel that way. Honestly your life should not be very much of my business. Your life, your decisions, your desires. It's all yours. It still somehow affects me though.
I feel as if I'm babbling on right now. But I'm just writing the things that come to me. In the order they come to me in. So if you're terribly confused or lost, I'm sorry. That was not my intention. I'm still working through things. Overcoming things. Looking past things. Letting go of things. Yes I guess it has been a rather long/slow process. But I am progressing...at least I think. and hope.

If you are ever bored. And ever have the time. Look up the song More Like Her by Miranda Lambert. You may not like it, but it has been playing through my mind a lot. It kind of makes me think of some things. And question myself.

I will see you soon. Probably on the stage. Under the lights. Around the music. In the midst of others like me and like you. Until then, farewell.

Love Always,
pookie.

to him...again.

We have been talking more lately. I'm not complaining. but at the same time I'm not rejoicing. Don't get me wrong, I love talking to you. You make me laugh. You make me smile like no one else does. But that's the problem.
Lately I have found myself strangely going out of my way to talk to you. I don't understand why I am doing this to myself. I just can't help it. When I talk to you it brings back memories. And not the bad ones. The good ones. The ones of us sitting on your couch or talking on the phone late at night and having the most random and funny conversations ever. Us attempting to be mean to the the other but then burst out in laughter because we cannot pretend. Telling each other every minor detail of our day. The good and the bad. The boring and the exciting. The smiles. The laughs. The joys.
I miss them. And talking to you slightly brings them back. But it's not helping me. I feel myself being pulled in again. I don't mean to. but it's happening. I'm beginning to miss the past so much more. I want to let it go. I have overcome the mistakes and the regrets...but for some reason I cannot seem to let go of those memories.
You may be wondering what the main problem is. For I haven't made it completely clear yet. The problem is...I think I still love you. but I don't want to.
xoxo...pooksters